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This charity bowl has the most personal history for me. I haven’t played it the past couple of years but decided I was going to return this year. It is run by 857. Back around ’05 when he and I were both enthusiastic, younger and more foolish believers in the Association he decided he would organize a charity bowl at his home course Druid Hill in downtown Baltimore. Druid Hill is where the Baltimore Zoo is. The locals always say if you can’t find a used condom or needle during a round you haven’t been paying attention. As 857 and I were bantering around marketing ideas back in the day for the first charity bowl at Druid Hill he came up with the idea of using the courses rep and introduced the greatest charity bowl slogan ever:
Free crack yo!
This quickly went on the flyer (back then players actually hung flyers on courses to advertise events) and playing with the crack theme I added a picture of Cuban model Vida Guerra. Many of you may not be familiar with her work as you may not be regular readers of such fine publications as Smooth. However feel free to swing by corporate anytime as Greg has a coffee table stacked with back issues in the lobby. I’ll pause briefly so you can Yahoo! Ms. Guerra and see for yourself why I selected her. I would suggest using Vida Guerra ass as your search terms. I’m confident 58% of you readers won’t make it back to this blog until Tuesday. Be advised that most of these images are NSFW. We proudly advertised the Druid Charity Bowl on the Association message board. A couple of days pass and 857 gets a call at work from the Association tool who is head of the charity bowls.
857: Hello this is Paul:
Association Tool: Hi Paul it’s Rick from the Association.
857: Hey Rick what’s going on?
AT: Well Paul while we appreciate you organizing a charity bowl at Druid we are a little concerned about the concept and direction you are taking.
857: How so?
AT: Well your flyer and the posts on the message board aren’t the happy wholesome image we are looking to project with these events.
857: I’m just trying to generate buzz (insert your own joke here) to increase attendance and the amount of money raised.
AT: We’re concerned that you’ve got a crack whore on your flyer.
857: She’s not a crack whore she’s an ass model.
AT: And we’re not comfortable with the involvement of this Hawkgammon character and the charity bowl.
857: Hawkgammon? He’s not involved at all. I barely know the guy. He’s just a local player who posts junk on a message board.
AT: Oh. Okay then. Thanks. Keep up the good work then.
*now you know why we never say ice around here with regards to the charity bowls.
The funniest part of the conversation to me as recounted by 857 is how he’s at work at his financial institution wearing his shirt and tie huddled over the phone whispering “She’s not a crack whore” hoping his co-workers can’t overhear his conversation.
So I’m heading into the city…
I bet you don’t have one of these in your neighborhood. I enjoy some local ambiance as I mosey to the park.
So I’d seen this brilliantly named tourney listed on the local message board for the past month or so. A family farm has added brewing and the son plays disc so he (Matt) and his buddy Andrew had bought 18 temporary baskets and laid out a course around the farm. A lot of the locals were wound up about beer samples included in their entry fee, but since I don’t drink this Z tier wasn’t really on my radar. Besides most temp courses are some portable baskets in an open field with the basket tucked behind the lone tree. I was going to pass.
Then Matt emailed Greg at NutSac world headquarters recruiting me to show up. Greg forwarded the email to me. I was horrified. Greg as usual left it up to me, but since TD Matt took the effort to solicit my attendance I told Greg I would show up if he could work out the details of me performing i.e. high end call girls and food. Greg said he’d handle those negotiations with Matt.
I’ve been contemplating playing the Scarboro Scorcher Association tourney later this month. I’ve played it a couple of times before, but I never play the course for practice. I tried to rally the troops to join me today.
Friday I text Dick and he replies: I have to work Saturday. Maybe Sunday.
This morning I text Jorge and Jerman.
Jorge replies as I’m just rolling out in the Civic: I just woke up. I’ve got thingsto do today. I don’t follow up on “things”. I had contemplated contacting some of the locals i.e. Jeff or Don, but was afraid they’d be overwhelmed at the thought of a practice round with YDGH. The glowing adulation could get embarrassing.
Dick’s drive kicked left. Seconds after he executes this recovery approach he starts screaming and thrashing about. It looked a little like the dancing Jerman had just been describing at a music festival he went to last weekend, but in actuality Dick’s drive had landed next to a yellow jacket nest and he just got stung on his right index finger. Jerman and I exchange knowing smirks. To his credit Dick soldiered on and never whined about the sting the rest of the day.
A lot of the locals are participating in the Maryland Team Matchplay event today, so it was slim pickings for a round. I decided to go to Rockburn. I texted Dick and he said he was at work doing his IT thing, but might be free by 1300. I grabbed my NutSac and headed off to the barber, and then in search of lunch. As I’m finishing my meal at Bangkok Delight (sometimes these things just write themselves) I get a text from Dick:
Ok, never mind. Things are fubar here.
Friday I text Dick and Coach to see if they want to throw a round at Patapsco. Dick and I enter our usual negotiations over a start time. Coach is non-responsive. Dick and I agree to meet at 1030ish. For Dick that translated into 1048. For me that meant 1053 as I overestimated how late Dick would be.
I arrive at the parking lot to find Dick sitting in a shiny new red Mini Cooper. Apparently he’s finally come to his senses about the minivan. He explains that yes he traded in the van for a mini, but his is green. The red one is his wife’s. Who says consumerism is dead?
One of the things I do whenever I play in an Association tourney is see who I beat in the division I’m in who has a higher player rating than me. TheAssociation sells us constantly on the concept that these player ratings are accurate depictions of our skill level. Let’s be honest; if the Association didn’t give you a rating…why would you join? I figure this is one useful application of my rating. This might be the only useful application of my rating.
Anyways I always snicker when the results come in and I’ve finished ahead of some other tool with a rating higher than my tool rating. I approached Greg with the idea of recognizing these players and in particular the player who suffers this indignity the most frequently. Greg has graciously agreed to recognize this player with a NutSac of their very own because…
Saturday 10:49 pm a text from Dick: My knee is kinda sore, I’m 50/50.
Translation: The forecast is 89 degrees, it’s 54 holes and I’m 255 pounds.
Sunday 6:14 am a text from Dick: I’m out. I don’t want to injure my kneeworse.
Translation: Please see above.
So it’s me vs. Jerman mano y mano. Who among you is shocked by this development? I roll out at 0700. I cross the Mason-Dixon Line and began meandering my way through the small hamlets of Pennsylvania between 1-83 and Hanover…
Next Sunday the Pennsylvanians are having an Association tourney at Codorus. The format is all 54 holes, like North vs. South, but this time I’d have to throw from the long “Pro” tees instead of the short “Am” teams we use for NvS. I haven’t played the “Pro” tees in several years. I figured I would drive up and have a dry run to see if I wanted to give it a go…
Dick called me this morning as he was driving to the park to perform his TD duties. Dick, “So will your recent string of beat downs of me continue or will you choke under tourney pressure?” Hawk, “Who’s calling please?”
Dick and I rolled in this morning for a 10 a.m. practice round for the upcoming Rumble. I arrived at 0957. Dick arrived 3 minutes late i.e. 1018. Dick time is always somewhere between 10 and 15 minutes later than everyone else’s time.
…Cue menacing background music. I don’t hit the right side cedar on my drive this time. I go through the right side cedar to make it halfway up the fairway. I declare a moral victory. Thus begins a round of misery and mediocrity.
Read the latest installment of the NutSac Challenge by Your Disc Golf Hero, Hawk Corrick.
Check out the latest hilarious installment of Your Disc Golf Hero! Hawk and the boys play Patapsco.
NutSac’s pro discer and intrepid reporter Hawk Corrick, who holds the dubious distinction of being the worst sponsored PDGA player, files his latest field reports on the Disc Outfitters Spring Equinox tourney and the Cordorus Putters Only Doubles.
Follow Hawk and the boys as he struggles through a season playing Advanced. Painful for him, entertaining for us!